Most parent-teacher interviews go like this: Where’s my child at? What grade did they get? Are they behaving?

But here’s what we should be asking: How is your child engaging in the learning process? And more importantly – how do we help them become a better learner?

I’ve been working with schools for 25 years, and I keep seeing the same pattern. Parents come expecting a conversation about teaching. They want to know what you’re doing for their child. If the child’s not succeeding, that becomes your fault somehow.

We need to flip this.

It’s Not About the Teaching

Look, skillful teaching is a given. We’re not here to debate whether teachers are doing their job. The equation that matters is this:

Growth = Skillful Teaching × Skillful Learning

The part we need to focus on – the part parents don’t understand yet – is the skillful learning bit. Because you can have brilliant teaching, but if students don’t know how to engage with learning, growth stalls.

Why Parents Get Challenge Wrong

When parents hear their child is in their “comfort zone,” they panic. They think the kid’s slacking off.

When they hear “learning zone,” where their child is struggling, they think: my child’s not good at that.

They’ve got it backwards.

The comfort zone is where things you used to struggle with have become easy. That’s mastery. That’s good.

The learning zone – where you don’t immediately know the answer, where you feel that discomfort – that’s where growth lives.

But watch what happens at home. Child struggles with maths homework. Mum rushes in: “Oh darling, just do the first three questions. The rest are too hard for you.”

She’s rescuing. With love, sure. But she’s teaching the child that struggle means stop.

The Conversations That Matter

So when you sit down with parents today, here’s what needs to shift:

Instead of “Your child is at this standard,” try: “Your child is here right now. Here’s where they’ve grown from. Here’s where we’re heading.”

When a parent says “James really struggles with reading” with that downward inflection – you know, that apologetic tone – catch it. Say: “Actually, that’s brilliant. That struggle is where he’s growing. How can we support him through it rather than rescue him from it?”

Stop talking about types of learners. Don’t label kids as “performance learners” or “avoidance learners.” Talk about levels of learnership – how skillfully they’re engaging with learning right now. With a timestamp. Because we’re about to change it.

The Real Question

I watched a principal recently who said something profound. He said his teachers had realised their job wasn’t to help students – it was to challenge them.

Think about that.

Not telling and helping, but coaching and challenging.

The conversation with parents isn’t “What are you doing for my child?”

It’s “How do we – all three of us, parent, teacher, and student – work together to help this child become better at learning?”

Challenge as Relationship

Here’s a question to ask parents: If challenge was a new student in class, how would your child treat them?

“Wouldn’t talk to them, thanks.” “Might work with them if I had to.” “They’d be my best friend – they help me grow!”

That’s the relationship we’re building. Not enduring challenge. Not doing it for grades. But seeking it out because that’s where growth lives.

When your kid comes home, instead of “What grade did you get?” try “What stretched you today?”

Instead of celebrating the perfect work on the fridge, celebrate the backstory – the terrible first draft, the questions asked, the revision that got them there.

Starting Today

You don’t need to revolutionise everything this afternoon. Pick one thing:

• Use the phrase “right now” when talking about where students are
• Smile when you talk about challenge – with energy, not that downward “I’m sorry they’re struggling” tone
• Ask parents how challenge is spoken about at home

This isn’t about abandoning grades or ignoring behaviour. But those conversations are incomplete without this one: How do we help this child become someone who gets better at getting better?

Because ultimately, that’s what we’re here for. Not to teach them stuff. But to teach them how to grow.

That struggle your child’s experiencing? That’s not a problem to solve.

That’s exactly where we want them to be.